Saturday, July 4, 2015

"Four Those Jewel Eyes" or "In-me-pants dance day" (answers to the huzzle at bottom of page)

a huzzle is a homophonic puzzle spelled out with words, see end of entry for answers (upside down)

Of course, everyone HAS to start on the 3rd right? 

For the record, the ticket prices are spot on for my town. Sure they may be
+/- 25c in yours, but it's still highway robbery! (hope you didn't get the +25c!!)
Apparently, they wont rip you off on your credit card unless you are willing
to get ripped off for at least 20$, aren't they just the nicest?


You get out those expen$ive camping chairs with the drink holder, complete with a stove, cooler, ***k massager, and stacked them on the streetside so you didn't have to do it in the morning. Put out your favorite blankets and comfy things that ensured you would have to do absolutely nothing. Not all goes as planned.

And be prepared to pay for the wallet devouring carnivals that ensue. These shows are the exact same as last year, save a scooby doo 'house of horrors' which is more like a 'house of disappointed children'.

Our town got the round up for the first time ever. That's right--my town sucks so bad we didn't even have 'round up' until this year. What did we have before, we had some lame excuse for the 'octopus'. I think it was called 'the rertarded squid' or something like that. Oh yeah, and we finally got rid of those spinner tea-cup look alikes from disney world. All those do is make you really sick. If you ask me, that is not worth the price of 7 tickets.
I bet the kid in the grey shirt gets yelled at after the
parade ("Tim why didn't you wear your red,
white+blue shirt? You are grounded mister!")

So What IS The Fourth Really About?

Yes it's that time of year again. Time for everyone to get out their camping chairs and line them up on the street for the 239th annual "Who Has The Coolest Chair On The Block Day" or "Who Bought The Most Expensive Glowy Things For Their Kids Day". I mean, it's not like it's about anything else. Oh wait, I forgot that is for families only, for the single (didn't forget you), theres another purpose.
They are yelling and waving, at who is anyone's guess.

But I'm Single... What(or Who) Do I Do?

Singles, its the 239th annual "Get So Smashed You'll Have Sexual Relations With Anything That's Warm" or "Get Disappointed Of Your Towns Crappy Firework Budget" once again.
Looks like one successful catch for this guy, The dude in the red
shirt doesn't look near as happy with his, get a better rod dude!

Remissness on Last Year If Possible

Hey, how was last year. Last year? It was... a dud.  Across the USA, fireworks did not fire when the laptop told it to, which is partly to blame because it was running on windows 8.  But Microsoft did assure us that the fireworks will not 'stall out' this year like they did the last two years, or back in 2006-7 (Windows Vista, remember?). Yup, its supposed to be good this year except...

Now To Get Ready... (starting on the 3rd of course)


need I comment on this?
Mother nature is a bitch with an agenda for ruining the best holidays. The 4th is no exception. This year, she had you by the balls making you think it wasn't gonna rain at night but it came down pummeling even, as if to say 'Screw You and your Chairs!'.

...and then morning comes...

The Parade

As if hearing practice of bagpipes for the last hour wasn't bad enough, of course they have to start it off with a FIRE WHISTLE from every station near enough to hear (read my other post, about those annoying bastards if you dare).

It's clear, it's wet, you guessed it... it's RAIN!!
What is this stuff, it looks like water? Huh? In JULY?!?!  We didn't prepare for this. Why? Because it's not supposed to happen. So far today started out with nothing but wall to wall wet blankets, and a well-rained-on parade. Candy got tossed in mud puddles, you name it, it happened. And apparently, the Water Girls still thought they were needed (Thus proving my theory that High School Water Girls are contracted by frustrated middle-aged-men who need an excuse to look at a teen girl without their wife smacking the shit out of them).

The Parade

And if for some reason, you just NEED to get your yearly fix of looking at Fire Trucks, don't despair, there will be at LEAST 45-70 fire trucks. And even if you are in a small town, you are most likely going to see the trucks from EVERY surrounding town one county over on each side. Usually this is about a 100 or so mile radius.
The Parade

And who the hell decided that pink was a good color for
a fire truck?? The mayor must be wearing spandex
and has a groomed poodle named 'kisses'.
No, its not over yet, candy throwing is padded to keep the kids from saying "who f***ing long is this funeral" says timmy. "It's not a funeral, its a parade" says Dad. "Its a f**king nightmare is what it is" says Mom.

The Parade

It's still not over at this point. So we decide to leave now. We've seen enough fire trucks to last us several lifetimes. Enough VFW troops to fill a small country. Enough candy to stock a newspaper stand...

The Parade

JUST kidding.. no more parade sections (make it stop) Although since you live right NEXT to that street, we get to hear it until it has circled the entire town.

Nothing Says Independence Like... Bingo?

Yes the eagle and statue are wearing
matching swimwear.

Why do old people always look so pissed off? Because they always loose at bingo.
And why, if you are old and slow, choose a game based on speed to win?
That covers the morning events. On to.... bingo?? WTF does bingo have to do with gaining our independence. I guess we have earned the freedom to play bingo even on a patriotic holiday! Wow, freedom's great!

Riding Rides at a Fraction of the Cost

And then, hustle down to the Park, there's probably a Fair going on. It's selling ride tickets at 1.50$ a pop. But wait, a ride ticket won't actually get me on a ride. How many then? ....7??? 8!!!? WTF!?  That's NOT a ride ticket, the sign should actually read "1/8th of a ride tickets, sold here for 1.55 a pop".

Bracelet Nazis

It turns out they do this because they want you to buy a bracelet that costs 15$ which is way reasonable. Oh wait, you have 3 kids? Uh oh... 60$ does NOT sound reasonable to me --looks like I'm screwed again.  And you know your kids are going to BEG BEG BEG you to get tickets, bracelets, the glowy things, and every other nick-nack they see. I bet you what you have left at the end of the day, that you will have nothing left at the end of the day (so that means you don't have to give me anything, see there is a silver lining!!).

Where do the Poor Folk Go?

If you are poor like me, You'll have to just bring your own food (unless 5$ for a 40 cent hot dog is reasonable) and drink, and head over to the "free band" which has a name even your grandmother thinks is stupid. This year it's called "Your Mamma's Friends Friend Band" who play oldies and country music. Wonderful.... (*vomits*).  Tip: drink a LOT of alcohol before hand and you MIGHT black out and forget the whole day.

Thriller Filler or Duller Fodder

...seeing this is far better than watching MY town's fireworks
(my dog things this is going on outside regardless)
Next up are beauty contests, face painting, and lame things like throwing horseshoes to win banana splits and such.

This might be fun the first 30 times you think about doing it, but in practice is quite the lame experience. Also, half of this costs your life savings. Of course it benefits that charity, but then why do they need a league of corvettes? (which were coincidentally in the parade earlier!).

Here is an extra paragraph about nothing because there is a awesome thunderstorm picture I just had to add in right of here!


Don't Forget "The Others" (meh)

After visiting family you don't want to see, we are about ready for the main event. The fireworks that are 1 1/2 hours late, yet they still clap. Before they start tonight, I guarantee there will be 3 fires (small pretend or lame ones), one or two long delays, and a finale that happens while everyone already got tired of waiting and are on their way out. (and of course, everyone stops, gets out of their car, sits on top, to watch the closing of an awful display, it's Murphy's law!!) bah... if they had a firework shaped like a penis that MIGHT be something, but come on, flags and the letter 'V' are NOT impressive. (And no, they didn't do it on purpose, the V thing is usually a misshaped star.)

oh and in case you wanna know how I feel about drinking+driving on the 4th...


Avoid The Danger Of Actually Remembering

So if you are smart, drink a 5th on the 4th and don't come forth 'till the 5th. I'll post a follow-up of the day, whenever I come back from being out cold; that is, when I regain consciousness.


Happy "Four Those Jewel Eyes"!!
(pronounced "fourth of July")
(tip: the s is silent when you say it quickly enough)

In Me Pants Dance Day
(pronounced "independence day" if you didn't figure that one out)
(tip: usually drunks sound like they are saying that anyway...)


1. The ***k massager, get your minds out of the gutter, i meant back massagers, but you can imagine whatever you want -- not every 4 letter word that ends with k is bad. (There are some harmless words with more too, they can start with F and end in UCK, that still is the spelling for FiretrUCK OFF).

2. For those who say you drive better when you are drunk, I say "You FEEL better when you are drunk", but feeling better does not mean that you actually are better at doing the things you are doing. Perception is the key here. I could take 50 hits of extacy and WOULD feel like I could drive a school bus better than anyone in the world, but of course that wouldn't be true now would it?? Think about it retards.