Thursday, November 6, 2014

I hate photography: Top 10 Weird Webpage Marketing Photos

One thing I hate is things that do not make sense, like me for instance. But right now, today, it's all about the pictures instead of me so without further ado (not adieu), smile, you are a cow that goes MOO:

#1 Big Bald Head == Small Business Owner (With a ....View?)
Why is there so much space to the right? Because, small business owners are not married, so they have to take pictures of their make-believe wives and insert them into the photo later, that's why! This also solves the reason for why he is apparently smiling when he is all alone on top of some building in downtown New York. I bet right after the photo was shot he turned around and jumped off the building...... (woe is me) .wheeeeeee............................splat!
Apparently, in the world of marketing, nothing says small business like a thin man with a huge bald head. Oh, and don't forget the open button-up shirt topped with a gleaming smile.  And for the final touch, add a bunch of blurry buildings and you've got yourself an Icon sure to sell to lots of small business owners!!!

What can I say that has not already been said. Oh I know... where's his glasses? That guy stole them (below)! 

 #1-B  Big Bald Head + Glasses: It Gets You A Cute Assistant

....And apparently he is so happy about it because now he can see just how pretty his little helper is. (Kinda like santa claus without the elves). 

Yep, it looks like Mrs Claus is going to be working overtime tonight hoo-hoo!

#2 Average Looking Middle Aged White Guy == Tech Worker

The San Francisco Bay Guardian said it best, a man with a combover in a suit and tie bought at sears must be... thats right, a tech worker!

I'm sure if you could smell this picture it would probably smell like old spice and used condoms. What a country, what a country (it always sounds more believable when  you say it twice).

Did you notice the background? Probably... does this mean every tech worker is also a hacker, and does so during work hours? I'm not sure if this was added in before or after the photograph was taken but it is obviously someone's idea of labelling the 'poor' white guy as a hacker. However, this one won an award for something, probably for hacking some bank and making their security 1000% better and is about to give a speech saying how elite he is because he knows 50,000 programming languages (but can't talk to girls).

#3 Sweaty Tall Thin Track Athlete == Reliable???
Apparently, the LG electronics company chose this image to convey integrity and reliability, not to mention pragmatic!!  "No, there is not a tiny track athlete inside your DVD burner, sir." Is what the LG customer service representative from some place far away said over the phone. Of course by far away I mean China, naturally... why isn't that guy up there Chinese then?? You do the math...

#4 Room of Old Fogies = Heros of the Internet

No im serious! The link to this picture is actually: and is on their main page! If you think it is not right that a company do something like this, then all they have to say to you is "ICANN". If you know about the internet and it's origins and rulers, then this is pretty obvious but for those who don't know, they are the one's holding everyone by the balls. These guys? who knows... maybe!

#5 White Folks are Dumb?

Not really marketing but still a flagrant and ignorant racist picture all the same. You know racism doesn't just affect people who are not white, and I wish people would stop it already. There's nothing I hate more than racism.

#6 50+ Woman with Short, Permed Hair == Smoker

Why is it that smokers are either Skinny young Hollywood models or old farts?  EVERY smoker I know looks like neither of those.  But I have to say, if blu was trying to attract business with a shriveled up prune who has obviously gotten that way by smoking, then they might just make people not want to do either. Hey racism is wrong but there's nothing wrong with making fun of old people!

#7  1950s == american dream

Why is it that this country (USA) seems to think that the 1950-1960 decade was so great?  Constantly showing ads like this trying to make people be "happy families". It makes me sick, the only difference from here and now is: 1) people don't hide how they really are anymore 2) women don't just make dinner and take care of the kids 3) christmas does not mean we need 2 christmas trees!!! (see above)  What's the same? This is: 1) Apparently americans are still dumb enough to let their kids use a stepladder by a open fireplace  2) Giving your kid a giant necco wafer before bad and then complaining they wont go to sleep!   Where's the parent? Probably the one who took the picture, and probably drunk, the proof is in the pink elephant to the left :)

#8  Only Black People Get Aids???

If you are like me, you have noticed that just about every HIV/AIDS ad you see usually features a person of color. Why is this? And it's not just the inner city, I live out in the countryside in a semi-small town and guess what, our ads are just like that. In fact, the best you can get is the ad with the "group" of people, but guess what, only 1 white person... while the other 10 are from various minorities. I DARE THE AD INDUSTRY: Make an HIV/AIDS ad that shows a single white guy in a suit and tie. Guess what, it wont happen. Not because yuppies don't get AIDS, but because nobody wants to admit that they do. In fact, for all we know, they might get it more.... statistics that gather ethnical information is voluntary, and I bet my bottom dollar that white collar men do not check the box, or worse, lie (to make other races look bad). Yes this world really is that messed up.

#9 Young School Kids are Perl Programmers